Sunday, February 8th​
What's Love Got To Do With It?

Welcome to The Journey Church. I'm Pastor Ben Tims.​

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Last week Pastor Paris brought a message on “Men & Women, Why? My message today is a question; “What’s love got to do with it?” If the men in the room get this message, and put it into action, then both men and women will be the beneficiaries.

Disclaimer: Don’t think that I have everything figured out in my marriage. I’ve made some progress in 45 years, and maybe I’ll even get better in the next 45, Luann’s praying for that too. While my marriage isn’t perfect, it’s solid. I can tell you that it’s a work in progress, and with God’s help, I will be a better husband, and Luann will be a better wife.

In the context of marriage, men and women each have their “roles” to play. We also have different, significant “value” that we bring to the table. I trust you will understand, embrace, and accept our unique differences, and will desire to make changes that will make your marriage and relationship stronger.

Roles and values in marriage are crucial for a strong partnership. Values (like trust, communication, respect, honesty) form the foundation for marriage, while roles (finances, chores, decisions) define our responsibilities in marriage. When we acknowledge our distinct values and roles, we mutually agree to foster teamwork, prevent conflict and confusion, and support each others growth within a shared purpose; a healthy and harmonious marriage. 

There are way too many marriages that are “dysfunctional” because of a lack of understanding and accepting our God given differences. Shared values create the "why" and "how" of your marriage, while clearly defined and mutually respected roles ensure the practical "who does what," leading to a more fulfilling and less stressful life together. 

What does the Bible have to say about marriage, and how should it look and function? The Bible describes marriage as a covenant with distinct, yet complimentary roles, emphasizing mutual love, respect, and service, with the husband as the loving head and the wife as a supportive helper, both equal in value and called to self-sacrifice, like Christ for the Church.

Ephesians 5:22-23 NIV “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.”

Wives are called to submit to their husbands as to the Lord, while husbands are to love their wives sacrificially, nourishing and cherishing them as their own bodies, reflecting Christ's relationship with the Church. Have you ever heard a man say: “She wears the pants in our family”? Well I didn’t know men’s pants were supposed to have elastic waistbands. If your wife is wearing the pants, I’d venture to say the reason is because you gave her the pants.

Men become so consumed with their jobs, and their interests, that they relinquish their God given roles to their wives, and then complain about it. I don’t know any women who want to wear their husband’s pants, but they have been forced to wear them. I can’t imagine what the condition of many homes would be in without strong women picking up the slack of the husbands role.

Men, after you have given up the pants, it’s sometimes really hard to get them back. Women, if you have the pants, don’t prevent your husband from taking them back. It’s God’s design for the man to be the spiritual “head” or leader of the home. Men if you’re not, shame on you, but it can be corrected. Lets look at the roles of a husband, being the “head” of the home according to the Bible.

1) Men, we are to love our wives sacrificially.

Ephesians 5:25 NIV “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

Men, love your wife as Christ loved the church, giving yourself up for her. That’s a pretty tall order in my mind considering how much Christ loves His church.

2) Men, we need to nourish and cherish our wives.

Ephesians 5:28-29 NIV “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church.”

Care for her as you would your own body.

3) Men, we need to lead with service.

Mark 10:43-45 NLT “But among you it will be different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, 44 and whoever wants to be first among you must be the slave of everyone else. 45 For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

We need to provide spiritual and physical protection for our wives. We must help bring out the very best in her.

4) Men, we need to consider our wives as equals not subordinates.

1 Peter 3:7 NLT “In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should, so your prayers will not be hindered.”

Treat her with honor, respect, and understanding, not ruling like a dictator and ruling over her harshly.

Okay ladies, your turn, what are your roles in marriage?

1) Women, you need to submit respectfully, to your husband.

Ephesians 5:22 & 24 NLT “For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.”

Submit to your husband’s leadership as to the Lord. Let your husband lead.

2) Women, be a helper to your husband.

Genesis 2:18 NLT “Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.”

Behind every good man is a better woman. Every man needs a helper and a complimentary partner.

3) Women, show good, appropriate conduct.

1 Peter 3:1 NLT “ In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives.”

Women, you can lead an unbelieving husband to the Lord by your godly behavior.

4) Women, show support and respect for your husband.

1 Peter 3:3-4 NLT “ Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. 4 You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. 5 This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They put their trust in God and accepted the authority of their husbands.”

Understand and support your husband, it will bring honor to your marriage. Now that we have established some of our roles in marriage, let’s look at some mutual responsibilities and value that each partner should bring to the table.

1) You are equal partners. Both of you have equal worth in God’s eyes, but you are different.

Genesis 1:27 NLT “So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.”

Yes, God created woman out of man, but it doesn’t say anywhere that men are superior to women. We are equal in the sight of God.

2) We must submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Ephesians 5:21 NIV “ Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

This type of submission isn’t a sign of weakness; it doesn’t mean you are a doormat, it means that marriage is a give and take arrangement; marriage cannot be a one-sided affair.

3) A healthy marriage must have intimacy. We we’re designed differently, by God, for a specific reason.

1 Corinthians 7:3-4 NIV “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.”

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Intimacy comes in many forms; it’s not confined to the bedroom. Holding hands, putting your arms around each other, listening, talking, etc. are all forms of intimacy. Think outside of the box. Fulfill each other’s needs.

4) Become one flesh in your marriage.

Jesus was tested by the Pharisees on the topic of divorce, listen to His response:

Matthew 19:4-6 NIV “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh? 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

When you marry, you leave your parents and cleave to each other, becoming a single unified unit. The two must become one. There are many good books that you can read to help you understand and respect the many differences between men and women. “Love & Respect” is well written and also “Five Love Languages”. Read them with your wife, discuss what you read, and then start to apply what you have learned.

The Bible calls for a Christ-centered marriage where both partners serve each other sacrificially, reflecting God's love, leading to a strong, unified, honorable, and God pleasing marriage. What are some of the core values of a strong, healthy marriage?

1) Trust & Honesty:

I believe the most important value is trust and honesty. Trust is hard to earn, but it’s easily lost. Honesty is the way trust is built, while lying tears it down.

2) Communication:

Communication is probably the element that is most neglected in a marriage. Men think women are mind readers, while women think men should know what they want or need. Guessing what your spouse needs or wants is completely different than knowing what they need or want.

3) Mutual Respect:

Respect and equality are vital in a marriage. Just because you think your ideas or ways of doing something are “better” than another’s, doesn’t mean you’re right. When I’m helping in the kitchen with Luann, she is constantly trying to teach me better ways of doing the job. Sometimes I agree, sometimes I don’t, but we work it out.

4) Commitment:

Commitment and growth in a marriage is important. Luann and I have been married for over 45 years, I want to grow old with her. I’m committed to her and she’s committed to me. We have never disagreed on anything …. RIGHT! ….no, we can disagree without making a mountain out of a mole hill. We can view challenges as opportunities for growth.

What are some of the key roles that each of us have in a healthy marriage?

The number one point of contention in many marriages is built around finances. You need to decide how to earn and manage money. I’m good at earning money and Luann is a rock star in managing our money. She runs the books, and all I require is a “state of the Tims” household spread sheet a couple of times a year. I trust her 100% with our finances. She has earned that respect and trust from me. Even though she may run the finances, we are both in agreement as to how it should be done.

How about household chores? Do you divide them fairly and equally? That’s her job! That’s his job! Is the man’s job to do all the outdoor stuff, and the woman’s to do all the indoor stuff? No, we share a lot of the household duties. You both need to communicate, and be willing to support each other in the work of maintaining your home.

How about decision making? Do you make decisions together? Now some decisions don’t need consulting; washing the car or clothes, mowing the yard or cleaning the house, or what we should have for supper. I’m talking about decisions like: should we buy a new vehicle, should we remodel the house or sell it, or go on a vacation. Maybe you have a maximum dollar amount set that you can spend without having a conversation. Find what works for you and stick to it.

Men, we have talked about what the spiritual head of the home should look like, but let’s be clear on what it’s not. It’s not about control, it’s not a dictatorship, and it’s not intimidating. We aren’t supposed to make our wives feel like second-class passengers on a trip to nowhere.

We don’t have arbitrary authority. Our authority is limited by God’s law and the need to love our wife genuinely. We don’t carry a “gender trump card” to play when we want to get our way. We are not a replacement for Christ. Our wives’ ultimate “head” is Christ not us.

Men, this Saturday is Valentine’s Day. Sure you can buy your wife a box of chocolates or some flowers, and think that’s what she wants. Yes, those gestures are nice, but here’s what they would really like. Be understanding and gentle with your wife. Consider your wife as a partner, not a subordinate.

Show her honor and respect. Value her as an equal co-heir in Christ. Don’t look down on her because she’s made differently, thank God she is. Honor and value her for her God given uniqueness, and who she is as a person, she’s your wife. Be compassionate, tenderhearted, courteous, and agreeable. Avoid being harsh, watch your words, and don’t hurl insults.

Ephesians 4:32 NIV “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

Pray for your wife, treat her well so that your prayers aren't hindered. Honoring, and treating your spouse right are linked to a spiritual connection with Christ and answered prayers.

It’s worth repeating 1 Peter 5:7 NIV “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”

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Closing thought: I want to revisit one verse from

Ephesians 5:25  NIV “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

Would you literally give up your life for your wife? Would you defend her to the point of death? I don’t know what your wedding vows looked or sounded like, but here is a familiar line: “For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part."

That’s how Christ loved the church; He died for us while we were sinners. Let’s love our wives like Christ loved His church, and then watch how your marriage relationship will blossom, and bear “good” fruit.

So, what’s love got to do with it? EVERYTHING! Bearing fruit in your life and marriage is not limited to Galatians 5:22. Listen to this beautiful description of love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

Men, love your wives, and women, love your husbands, that is pleasing to God.

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      Message Questions

1. What does the role of men entail in marriage?

2. What does the role of women entail in marriage?

3. What are some of the mutual responsibilities both men and women have in their marriage?

4. What are the core values of a strong, healthy marriage

5. What’s love got to do with marriage?